Teaching Toddlers to Share
Sharing doesn't really come naturally to toddlers and preschoolers. They are really too young to share consistently, but it's not too soon to introduce the concept, even though you won't achieve complete success for some time to come.
Children learn by example, not lectures. Giving a one-year-old a sermon on sharing won't work, because he won't understand. Instead, model the behavior you want him to have. He has spent his childhood hearing, "Don't touch Mommy's _____." To his mind, this is the appropriate way to behave. We aren't really in the habit of sharing everything, even though we expect our children to do so.
Of course, I'm not telling you to let your child handle all your things; I just want you to realize you've been teaching him not to share because you--rightfully--don't share all your things. What you have to do now is to teach him when to share and what to do about sharing when he's not up to it..
I run a church nursery for toddlers. We have a lesson several times a year on sharing. I bring a number of toys into the classroom and say, "This is my bunny rabbit. Should I keep it just for me or should I share? I am going to share." Then I turn to another adult--not a child--and say, "I want to share my bunny with you because you're my friend. Would you like to hug my bunny?" The other adult thanks me and I comment on how happy it made me to share. Then after a moment, the other adult offers to share with a third adult. The children are watching all this with great interest.
When all the adults have shared, we offer it to a child. After the child has hugged the bunny, I invite him to share it with another child. Now, sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. We don't make anyone share. If the child doesn't share, we simply start over modeling the correct behavior. All the children share sometimes and refuse other times, depending on their moods or how much they like the toy I offered. No one is consistent, and that's fine. After doing the lesson for a few weeks in a row, we move it to our group play time, where we play sharing games. The children gradually improve in their ability to share, but no one shares all the time. I'm an adult and I don't want to share my stuff all the time.
How to teach sharing at home
You and your spouse or older children can model sharing. You can even invite your adult friends to help. The key points to remember are:
Some things should not have to be shared, including security blankets, new toys, and favorites.
Non-sharable items should not be brought out when other children visit.
Don't force sharing in toddlers and preschoolers. Just model, encourage, and praise.
Make your role modeling a little larger than life at first, so your child notices. Also model how to avoid sharing: "I'm sorry. I'm not ready to share that today. Would you like this toy instead?"
In my nursery, when a child takes a toy from another child, we return it and distract the child who took it. In calmer times, we teach them how to share the toy if it can be shared. "There are many building blocks. Tommy has this one, so you can have this one. Can you share the blocks?" Note that sharing is easier with multi-part toys. Otherwise, they're just being forced to give up their toy, and that isn't good training for the children who took it. We're training both children--one is learning not to take toys. You can help prevent problems when children play together by explaining how to share at the very beginning.
When you aren't willing to share your own "toys" explain to your child why this is so. He will soon be able to learn how to decide what he should and should not share.
Don't make the mistake of always insisting older children share with younger ones because they are older. This leads to the youngest child getting spoiled, since he will always be younger but will soon be old enough to share. Have the same expectations for every child.
Sharing takes time and is a very sophisticated and complicated topic, since no one really shares everything all the time--not even you. Be patient and allow your child to learn the concept a little at a time, beginning at about eighteen months (with no actual expectation of success at this age--just role modeling.)
The Big Brown Box by Marisabina Russo
This book goes along with the idea that no one should have to share everything, but that we do need to find ways to play cooperatively. Sam doesn't want to share his favorite toy--a big box--with his little brother. His mother shows him a way to retain possession of his favorite toy while still playing with his brother. Not selfishness--realistic kindness. It can open a discussion on sharing with an older preschooler.
